I just had that feeling again that i've felt about, well, this is the fourth time in my life.  when i find out that someone dies and i wasn't expecting it.  i didn't see it coming.  he was one of my good friends.  i really deeply cared about him.  we dated for a few weeks and that didnt work out because we were better off as friends...this was a year ago.  we still talked after and hung out alot and i really truly cared about him as a person.  i new he was depressed, a little too depressed.  i'm not even sure how he died yet.  but reading some of the comments his friends left him on his myspace, i am pretty sure he killed himself.
i never saw it coming.  and the last time we talked we had an argument and i was mean.  
i'm always so mean to the people i care about, and i do think about it, like im saying all this shit i dont mean, and what if they die and the last thing i said was something bitchy.
well it happened.  and now i know how it feels.  i'm sill in shock.  i spilled a few tears but honestly its going to take me a few days for this to fully hit me.
part of me doesnt believe it.  but carol told me he died and i hoped she was talking about a differen't person with the same name. but she told me, it was him. and then i went to his myspace and people are leaving him these R.I.P> serious messages...and part of me still thinks its a joke.  and when i know it isnt, for sure, i will be able to cry and get it all out.
it is really the worst feeling in the world to be mean to someone that you love and then they die, with those last words you said to them being hurtful.

mood: sick to my stomach